I see you, Tired One,
I see how you keep your eyes on the ground as you walk to our table. I see your struggle as you lift them to meet mine. I see the way your hands cling to your coffee mug, trying to make its warmth reach all the way to your bones. I see how you strain to pick up every tone in my voice, hoping desperately to hear more than my words. I see the rounded curve of your shoulders, as you carry the weight of the world.
I know enough to know your good days aren’t that great. To recognize how even the best weekend with the ones you hold most dearly leaves you emptier than when you started. I hear the hollow of your laughter, and see the mask created by your jokes. I feel the stiffness in your hugs and sense the walls in your heart. I follow your gaze as it finds the thing you seek most, the one thing you just want to feel…love.
I want you to know something, I want to give you a bit of sunlight in the midst of this darkness: you are not alone. I understand what it feels like to go through the day and experience the whirlwind of the day’s emotions only skin deep. It’s like living in a watered down world where everything from joy to anger washes over you, but then beads off before soaking in and saturating your heart. The world you live in is in a gray scale; a blurry mess of monochromatic shades, blending in and out of one another without clear definition. You want to live in a world of vibrant texture; you want to feel it more than you want anything else in your life. You want to feel the love you breathe out as often as you can in hopes that a gust of wind might bring some back to your doorstep. You want to be anything but numb, because being numb hurts more than any other pain.
Can I tell you another thing? Can I tell you of a truth I know more certainly than I know anything else? There is one thing that’s wound itself through the maze of walls in your heart. There’s one thing that’s touched every piece of brokenness within you. You have Hope. I know you hold the power of its promise because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have fought to raise your eyes to meet mine. You wouldn’t have strained to hear every inflection of my voice, desperately craving to hear the honeyed tones of love you long for. You have hope that one day-one beautiful, holy day- a sword of fire will reign down and slash through the stone that has been encasing your heart and holding it hostage. That one day the hands of the Father you adore will reach down from His throne and pick through the rubble that was the pain you’ve been holding onto. Those hands will raise your beating heart up to His face, and He will breathe life back into it until it’s ready to fill the emptiness in your chest; warm, whole and perfect.
Keep going, Friend. That love you’re after is so close. It’s waiting for you to fight your way around that last corner and be blinded by its glory. The love you so crave is yours. It will make these years of struggling seem like seconds and the future look like a promise fulfilled. It will put a smile on your face more beautiful than ever before because it will be a smile that was born from the joy felt deep within your soul. When you take that love on, your laugh will be full and musical, and your mask will lie broken and cast aside. This is a love that will transform your whole being from broken to whole; a love that will make you new.
Tomorrow morning, when you wake up and look in the mirror, when you struggle to meet your own gaze, remember the hope. Remember the way you were lovingly crafted by a Father who died to know you. Remember that you were chosen to be loved and destined to be great. Think of the way your life was affectionately written centuries before the world was set to spin. Think of the way every detail that was put into your story was poured over and sealed with His name. Rest in the knowledge that you were created for a purpose and are wanted beyond all doubt. Know that every time He thinks of you, He can’t help but smile because He could not be more proud and pleased at who you are. Remember that the numbness you feel is a temporary state but the hope you hold and the love you will receive will endure until the end of time.
I promise you, Tired One, you’re worth it. He’s worth it.