I Said Yes

He drew in a ragged breath, His eyes brimming with tears. I listened from my hiding place as I heard His feet draw near. He stopped and knelt right behind where I was crouched and whispered one word,  "Believe."

As  the full and wild strength of His love hit me, I stumbled. I lost my footing, overcome by the impact of His adoration, His infatuation, His jealousy. I felt the ground move beneath my feet, as if the slowly spinning earth I had always known to be reliably steady had just been knocked off it's axis, sent spinning into the unknown. I finally found His gaze and did everything I could to keep it locked onto my own. Even as the world as I knew it was launched into chaos, I kept Him and only Him in my eyes. This was stillness as I had never known. This was peace that time could not touch. The pounding of my heart wasn't counting  seconds passed, but seconds to come. Everything in me wanted to stay right here, right here in the eye of the hurricane that was Him.

With everything I had inside me, with every emboldened and renewed fiber I possessed I called to Him. "Let me stay!" He looked at me. He fixed His eyes so intently onto mine I could feel Him seeing every part of my heart. Every dream, every longing, every lie, every secret. I wanted to turn away, I wanted to run from this feeling of raw exposure and get back to the warm covering of love. But I couldn't. I couldn't look away, I couldn't get away from the nakedness. As His focus on my heart continued deeper and deeper, I wept. I twisted my body, and pushed. I clawed and tore at the power holding my dirt and my shame in full view of the presence of One so perfect and clean. And then I couldn't. With a final, desperate attempt at hiding my soul, I went limp. My tears blurring His outline but never leaving His face.

I watched as He began to reach. As I watched I realized with a shock that I was the one He was reaching for. I watched as those perfect hands came close to my face. I felt the callous on His finger brush a tear from my cheek, His touch burning sweetly like a soft fire. I felt His hands smooth the hair from my face and cup my chin. He traced the outlines of my face with His fingers as if tracing a map so memorized there was no doubt He had drawn it Himself. He reached down and took my hand and pulled me towards Him, I resisted, not wanting to stain His brilliant robes, but He would not be shaken. I kept pulling back from Him until I was wrapped in His embrace.  The rest I had been longing for, fighting for, swept over me and for the first time I took a real, deep breath. I filled my lungs with His scent and as I did, I closed my eyes. This was at the same time recklessly unlike anything I had ever experienced and the safety I had always longed for. This was home. Completely and sweetly home.

I stayed there, resting in His arms. I stayed there as I felt every fiber of me become renewed and restored. I opened my eyes and looked up to see His face. I was washed again in His love as I saw HIs adoration, His infatuation, His jealousy- all for me. I forgot about the stains I was carrying and just looked at Him. In that moment I knew I would never be the same, that I would never stop fighting the fear of intimacy that stood between His heart and mine. This fear that feels more like an old friend.  Because in that moment, I said yes. Even though I never thought I could believe I was as much His as He was mine in that moment, I did.

I believed.